One of the greatest mistakes people make is believing that love will keep them safe, especially those of us who come from childhoods filled with family violence and sexual abuse.
So often we see situations where individuals have “fallen in love” under the guise of finding someone who will look after them “and keep them safe” only to find that they have found themselves in exactly the same situation they were trying to escape from.
Women find themselves in abusive relationships where they find themselves enduring all kinds of atrocities.
Men find themselves being smothered and destroyed by women who demand they to do their “heart’s” bidding in the name of love or they become so emasculated that they no longer have any sense of identity.
Why do these situations happen?
It is not love these people are really looking for!
Understanding the true desire that causes these unfortunate events is the key to understanding the motivation that causes these situations to arise again and again.
We are taught as children that love will keep us safe. We are also led to believe unknowingly by our parents that placating our caregivers will keep us safe and loved. As an adult, this translates into being submissive to our partner in order to be loved, often with disastrous results.
How often do we hear parents telling their children that they must do something in order to be loved or accepted?
“Mommy will love you if you clean your room.”
“Mommy will love you if you eat all your dinner.”
“Mommy won’t be happy if you continue to act that way.”
“Wait till your father comes home. He won’t be happy.”
“If you want to be daddy’s little girl you will do this for me. “
Inside each of these statements (when the parent has not evolved emotionally enough to understand what they are really doing) the child unconsciously perceives a veiled threat. Because the family environment is unsafe to start with, the child will do anything to get the “love” it believes it needs.
As adults, children that come from such environments develop such a strong need to be “loved” that they will prostrate themselves to their partners and often everyone else. They become people pleasers; grownups run by the fearful child inside their minds who tremble at the idea of upsetting someone else. (God forbid that they will not be pleased.)
The result of the “grown-up” expression of this childhood lesson is a person who never gets to feel truly good about themselves or self-empowered. Life is a constant process of pleasing other people at the expense of their own fulfillment.
Unfortunately, there is often another part in us that resents having to belittle ourselves in order to “be loved”. This feeling causes us to feel angry which can result in some level of lashing out at the world and usually against our partner. We feel so lacking in personal power that the only way to “feel safe” or “powerful” is to try to control other people by manipulating them or by acting out in violence.
So how does a person who feels desperate for love change their ways so that they can receive the love they need without having to prostrate themselves to others or act out in inappropriate ways?
There are a number of aspects to recognize, consider and integrate.
First and most important.
Every person, no matter who is deserving of love and is loved.Secondly
Every person is capable of loving and being loved without having to give away their power.
The challenge I see is that people are not taught how to access the energy of love properly. We, as a society, have no idea how we as sacred beings of the universe function on a universal energetic level. We only understand what we have been taught…. By people who do not know the truth themselves.
There is much confusion about what love is and what true personal safety is, so let’s look at the safety aspect first. Once we understand how to do safety, then in another blog we will look at what love really is.
We are much better at loving our pets than we are ourselves or our fellow humans. Because we consider animals to have no capacity to manipulate us or harm us, we allow ourselves to love them unconditionally. We feel a very powerful, safe feeling towards them because there is no risk.
When it comes to people, including our children, love can be a very risky business. We ask ourselves questions such as:
“What if my child does something that does not please me and I have to challenge or discipline them?”
“What if my partner does something that irritates me? How can I feel safe?”
I know that in my world, this has been a struggle all of my life. However, because of my interest in spiritual matters and practical psychology, I have been able to learn how to manage this aspect of personal interactions to a relatively acceptable degree. This is a bit of what I have learned.
The first aspect to understand in the process of being loved is to accept that the people involved in any of the above statements are not looking for love. They think they are but in truth, they are looking for safety.
The lessons of their childhood have taught them that safety comes from love and the people who love them.
Safety and love are not the same. One does not provide the other.
What is really important to know is that We are born safe by design.
We just have to relearn how to feel safe and how to act accordingly as a safe person would.
Secondly, and just as important, we need to understand that
“Love” is an energetic vibration that exists all the time in the universe
and is accessible to each of us just by being open to receiving it.
Feeling loved and being loved does not require interaction with other people (or pets).
In order to feel love, we first need to feel safe.
In order to feel safe, we need to be able to put the childhood training
that operates in our mind to rest that tells us that we are not safe.
The key to feeling safe is being able to put our mind to rest so that we can relax into our body and just be.
The key to feeling love is to understand that love is not something one has to find,
All one has to do is relax into safety and open up to the feeling of love.
In another blog I will go into what love is and isn’t more fully.
Please check out my other blogs for more information and tools that will help you move forward in your life.
Check out this video I posted on Youtube: I apologize that for some reason the hyperlink to the video will not load so you will have to copy and paste into www.youtube.com.
It will provide you a great tool for managing your mind while you do your work.
Wishing you great health and peace of mind.